Passing-Thought

Is your blog acting up again? It seemed to be stuck on March 25 for a long time. Then last night I find 3 new entries. What's up with that?

Anyway, I think I want to reply to this post, but I think I'll do it by email :-)

Uh oh, I must be in trouble if you're going to write me via email. :)

Well, I haven't posted anything recently if that's what you're asking. Sometimes things (like my recent poem) get saved as a Draft while I'm working on it, and when I post it, it keeps the date of the first draft. Sometimes, I just artificially create dates, because the content is related to an email or something else that I sent in the past, but didn't post to the blog.

OK, I've decided to make my emailed comments public.

1. True, you do look young. But that has nothing to do with it.

2. Girls do mature faster than boys, but that disparity doesn't last forever. I think by early-mid 20s you can't make generic statements that women are more mature than men. Of course, we all know men and women of various ages who never grew up and maybe never will.

As for the leadership thing, I personally don't think age has anything to do with it. We can all be servant-leaders at any age and to any age.

3. Having children. Yes, indeed, women do better at having children when younger rather than older. But the world in which we now live pretty much expects a woman to get an education and at least have some kind of marketable skill. I mean, do you as a highly intelligent and educated man want to marry someone who is uneducated and just wants to have babies? Probably not. Women struggle with this dilemma too (but that is a different issue). I found the first point of the following blog entry to be related (written by a young man from our church. There are links to two very interesting articles on the topic. www.xanga.com/BishopCMB/469628215/quotes-of-the-week.html

Maybe I take a tiny bit of offense at your statement "Shouldn't she be more interested in supporting my vocation than starting her own anyway?" It sounds so self-centered. I guess the model I prefer is one of teamwork. Yes, my husband is the captain of the team, but he doesn't have a team without me, so I'm just as important in our joint service to Christ as he is. We're in this together. Truthfully, he does way more work than I do, and even in a practical sense I do support him (due to his eye problems), but he doesn't view me as just supporting him, he views me as his equal partner. No, "equal" isn't quite the right word. He thinks of me as better than himself. (Phil 2:3) and that's why it is easy for me to support him. (Sorry for the sermon.)

4. Age gaps are not unheard of. My mom was 14 years younger than my dad. On the other hand, I'm older than my husband of 30 years (by just a little).

5. Mary and Joseph don't really count, since you live in a different culture than they did.

I hope these opinions of mine aren't too annoying! :-)

Linda, Thanks for your feedback. I'm pretty busy, so I'll probably need to wait until after my semester is over to continue this dialogue. But I did want to send you a response before too long, since I know you've been waiting patiently.

Yes, my post is related to the concern for me not to pursue a girl that is "too young" (and beautiful). But you're not the only one who has expressed this. Others have as well, including my own mother. So, I do feel some need to justify my actions. Or, as it may be, to yield to those who are wiser, or know what is best for me when I may not.

First, I do want to thank you for helping to fill in an area that I didn't bring out explicitly: that age gaps are not necessarily as significant as people might initially make them, given that maturity and age do not necessarily coincide. I think that fact can be used in my favor. That said, I do think you yourself recognize something to the judgment, "[im]mature for one's age". No one has accused me if pursuing someone in that category, quite the opposite! You yourself have acknowledged certain girls to be "mature for their age". So there is some common notion of how mature a person should be at a certain age, whatever that means. A woman who is much younger than I might not be too different in maturity in many respects, maybe even greater. I certainly think this is true for most people (whom I know) who are married, and have kids. Their life-responsibilities shape their maturity in a way that the life of (most) single persons cannot. So, when there's an age gap, I am more attracted to gals who are mature for their age. If a girl is late teens / early twenties and she's mature for her age, then that puts her about in the mid-twenties group as far as maturity goes. Which is not too different from my perceived level of maturity for myself. Gauging my own maturity, I do feel like I still identify with college/grad group since I still share in some of the same features of that stage of life (a student, not married, don't own my own home, etc.), but with a full time job. And once a girl is in her mid-twenties (maturity-wise), I have to wonder whether such a difference in actual age really matters that much.

Perhaps I do feel immature for my age, and wonder if I shall ever feel my age until I'm actually married with children. But for whatever reason, in general, I don't have the same perception of girls who are mid twenties to early thirties who are still single. Most single women in that category are taking up the same responsibilities as I have with the same level of independence, possibly greater. And even in our liberal culture, I consider it to be a greater challenge for women to achieve the same level of indepence as single guys. And when they do achieve it, I wonder if such a level of independence is in some sense a way to find security/success apart from (or on top of) marriage (especially non-Christians). Of course, I'm not saying that all post graduate unmarried women should still be staying at home with their parents, but I wouldn't look down on them for doing so, if they are desiring marriage. They shouldn't give into so easily our culture's expectations for women to have "marketable skills"; that's our American culture's gospel not ours as Christians. On the other hand, I would certainly encourage a guy to try to obtain the means to take responsibility for himself and a wife and children. In general, I think it is better for a man to be trying to take responsibility for a family, than a woman.

Yes, someone who is knowledgable, able to teach, and to follow my train of thought, would probably make a better "teammate" for me, than someone who "just wants to have babies". But she does not have to have a college degree and years of professional experience to obtain the wisdom of being an intelligent mother. A solid family upbringing, high-school degree, and some college can be sufficient. A girl who has a heart for learning and applying theological knowledge to family life and supporting tasks for my job (e.g. PD relations), can be educated by me and the church.

Any man who will not accept his wife calling him "my lord" (cf. 1 Pet 3:6) is not doing her justice. The beauty of the relationship between the church and her husband is that Christ demonstrates his Lordship through his sacrificial love for her. The power and beauty of that relationship is in jeapardy when either a lord does not so love his bride, or the bride does not so respect her husband. If what you mean to say is that your husband is your team captain of your family in an analgous way as Christ our Lord is "team captain" of the church, then I think we are on the same page. Yes, such a team captain will consider her as being more important than himself. Greater authority is given for the exercise of taking the burden of responsibility, and the just delegation of his authority (cf. Matthew 11:27-30, 28:18ff). The church is not "equal partner" with her lord, nor should we ever want to be! Of course we are "bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh" but it is his bone and his flesh which we have been joined to in our holy union. The Holy Spirit takes us and puts us into Christ, so that his body becomes our body and our body his. Similarly a man does the same when he takes a women to be his wife. She takes *his name* upon herself, becoming, in a sense, his ambassador, his apostle. Until then, he is a "one-man team", which God (in general) says is "not good". Thus, there is nothing necessarily self-centered about a man seeking a wife to help fulfill the task God has called him to (e.g. Gen 2:15).

As far as physical appearances goes (#1) , I think it does matter for me. I probably would not feel right either dating someone who looks way younger than I do. If a girl is my age, I would probably not be attracted to her as much if she did not look equally or moreso young for her age. Not all guys feel the same way about that. Before I pursue someone I try to determine whether or not I think we'd look "good together". There are some girls I find fairly attractive, but for whatever reason (height, weight, proportions, etc...), I just just can't "see us together". I have to wonder if I overestimate my good looks, based upon how difficult it does seem to find a girl who is equally attracted to me as I am to her. But I do believe that how a person carries oneself does factor into attractibility. Some girls just don't take good pictures but are attractive in person, and vice-versa (a difficulty for finding someone online). Perhaps someone could teach me how to carry myself in a way to lessen the distance that other guys gain in weight, height, and muscle mass. Showing girls that I can beat or match guys who are much heavier than I in arm wrestling hasn't worked for me yet! What if I wore a suit and tie every where I go? I seem to noticed more and receive more compliments when I dress up. hmm....

On Joseph and Mary (#5). My point is that it's not against the way God created us to have age-gaps. It's true that guys and girls are not as mature as they used to be for their age thanks to our egalitarian college/career oriented culture. Girls don't have to "grow up" until a decade after their bodies are able to mother. We don't raise our kids to get married. We raise them to have successful careers or (the baptized Christian parallel) single missionaries. Not all that is cultural is lawful or profitable.